I knew early on that I wanted Christ in my life, but was I unaware of how His divine place in my life would change so dramatically over the years. I smiled at how much has changed since that night inside St. Francis Catholic Church. I've been married almost 8 years, I climbed a corporate ladder and I've welcomed three great miracles into my life. The same theme still remains. I know I want Christ in my life, but how much am I willing to let Him in? I had fears then about the responsibility and accountability that goes along with truly following Christ. I still do, it seems.
I've grown much closer to our Savior, especially over the past 5 years. Having Christ in my life has taken on a far greater and deeper meaning than when I was a teen and I (and my husband, Troy) have stepped out on faith in ways I could never have predicted. I realized about 5 years ago that I do not want to be a casual "going to church on Sunday" Christian doing my duty as if it is something to check off my to-do list. I wanted it to be the life-style choice I live by. The choice by which I am a wife, by the way I raise my children and by the way I am a friend. This choice, as I've discovered, is one that requires great growth and dissolving of one's self. That's been scary.
Over the past year and a half, I faced what was the greatest weakness in my faith. I became afraid to ask God to bless me with something which my spirit continued to crave but my mind feared. By His grace, I had already experienced great occasions of growth of faith in Him through sacrifice, study and service. I had learned to simply pray and ask God to grow my faith in Him. Then, it got tough. I had been alright with this until I had to give up control...and completely trust Him. Until I had to face real and challenging circumstances in my life which had NOT been MY choice, did I begin to rethink this whole "God, grow my faith."
Though suited for my talents, my choice in career really had been...my choice. Though blessed by God, my choice in a spouse had really been my choice. My choice to stay home and give up my career (though still perhaps the blessed one), was really...my choice. I had made these choices without really consulting with my Maker. To have Shane and Travis was mine and Troy's choice. We planned for them. We planned for everything. We were in CONTROL. ...or so I thought.
When Travis was born and diagnosed with a heart condition in 2006, I had fear, but I did have faith. I've asked God to extinguish those fears many times and bring peace; and He does. God has undoubtedly used Travis' circumstances to touch our hearts and grow our trust in Him. He continues to do so to this very day. But there are many areas of our lives; the parts that you just want to tuck away and say to yourself [and God], I'll deal with those later. Sooner or later, those areas must be faced and dealt with. 2008 was my year to bring these issues out of darkness and into light to deal with them. It could no longer be ignored.
I love my children. I adore my children. Shane, Travis & Justin are precious to me and they are miracles in the eyes of God. When I found out I was pregnant in August of 2007, instead of feeling the elation of joy and anticipation, I felt nervous, scared and out of...CONTROL. Having a third baby, especially when Travis had just turned one, was not in MY plans. The first year of his life had been spent in and out of the ER but was improving. I had felt, through discernment and prayer, called to teach. I could not understand why God would so abruptly change the plans on me.
I spent most of 2008 realizing why. The night I discovered I was pregnant, I laid on the couch meditating on Psalm 46:10, "Be Still and Know That I Am God." As I allowed God to calm my mind, he entered my heart and I heard Him so clearly. "I Choose You," he said. I prayed over His words to me for the next several weeks. Could it simply mean that He chose me to be this baby's mother? Obviously. There had to be more to it. Then, I remembered why Jesus spoke in parables. It was to draw people to Him; to lead people to ask more questions for a deeper understanding. First of all, He was drawing me nearer to Him. Second, I felt perhaps He meant that He chose to be with me; he wants to be close to me. Then it hit me. The words, "I CHOOSE." As this occurred to me I felt a weight lift; I felt a peace. That was it; it was God's choice. My control all this time as an illusion. We were never really in control when we wanted to have Shane & Travis. All blessed gifts come directly from God and are a result of His grace and love.
I spent the next year battling the double edged sword of free-will and control. It occurred to me that I had far greater issues with control in my life than I had ever been willing to admit. I was not angry to be welcoming another baby, but I was having a pity party that it had not been by MY choice. I had such difficulty realizing the incredible freedom that comes with accepting that I am not in control and that, simply, God is. Choosing not to accept this truth lead to much frustration and, eventually, some resentment. I battled this while trying to accept God's will for my life and remain a loving, happy mother and wife.
It was not until I was sitting in bible study one Tuesday morning that it all reached the point of breaking free. I had been absent from bible study for almost a year and was so grateful to be back, but as I sat there listening and then watching the video, I became sick. All of the unhealthy emotions that had been building up over time had finally caused me to become "sin sick." I never really thought of my struggle as a sin, but, in reality, anything that separates me from my Savior is really considered sin. I began to pray, asking God if this was a sign that I should seek absolution. It would never enter my mind on my own; it was undeniably a "God thing". I had never imagined going to "confession" again after having left the Catholic church, but that's exactly what I felt led to seek. I asked God for a clear sign; I wanted to be sure it was not the enemy's way of tempting me to leave. The feeling of illness became so strong I became dizzy. I immediately left and sought my pastor and friend, Clay. I said to God, "If Clay's there--and I was sure it was him with whom I was supposed to speak--that's my final sign, please, God." He was there. I talked and he listened intently. I felt no guilt. I felt release. I felt free. I confessed my struggle with control in my life and it's consequences. It was not really until that moment that God made it clear that I needed to allow Him to take His rightful place back in my life. My thoughts went back to, "I Choose You." I needed to choose Him and His plan for me.
If not for the foundation of faith he'd helped grow and nurture in me over the recent years, I'm not sure how I would have handled my struggle last year. At times, I'm saddened for the moments of joy that passed by unnoticed due to my own selfish battle. Quickly, though, any sadness is surpassed by gratitude in God's unceasing forgiveness, His redemption, His patience and His Love. I do still struggle with control, often slipping back into thinking I can control my life, my children's lives and my situation. I can't. I am grateful that although I may THINK I can sometimes, I remind myself of what I BELIEVE. I believe God is in control, and that is a blessing, not a burden. I can make faith-based choices and check them with God by going to Him in prayer or by reading His word. I've come to realize that my choice to allow God to be in control must, for me, be a daily choice. I want to choose God. Some things are worth doing over and over again. Daily, I choose to be grateful that God has a plan for me and that I don't have to worry about it. (Jeremiah 29:11) It's only through relationship with Him that I'll ever discover His perfect plans. God made me; He knows me. He knows my struggles and He also knows the way to freedom from them.
Still, it can be a scary request to ask, "God, grow my faith." He might ask me to do something unlike anything I'd ever imagined. The reward, however, is far more valuable and worth the risk. I've come to learn that the most valuable rewards do not often come without sacrifice. He has plans for me [and you]. He never said it would always be easy, but it is always for the best. Even in the length of this letter am I unable to express how God grew my faith in Him over the past year. I still have difficult days when my patience (and sanity) is tested, just as any parent staying home with young children. Colossians 3:23 comes to mind as I recall that my day to day job, though challenging, is fulfillng God's purpose for me in this phase of my life: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." This meaning is the same whether I were writing position statements for the EEOC or if I'm changing diapers and making tent forts. I offer up my service for my family as a way to say Thank You to God. Now, I am not just taking care of my family for their sake, but as an offering of love and obedience to my God. We are blessed to have a servant King, one whom would do anything that's best for us. What burden is it, really, to offer my life as service to Him by obeying and rejoicing in His will.
Does He love me so much that He would care about what seems to be so insignificant on a daily basis? Does he care that sometimes I feel like I want to bury my face in my hands? Does he care that I feel true joy in watching my son learn walk? Yes, he does. He cares about my happiness here on Earth. He cares about my fulfillment. He cares about my pain. Most important, he cares about my salvation. I think the most critical and precious way he expressed, "I Choose You" is by his own choice 2000 years ago. He chose death on a cross. In spite of my sin, He'd rather endure such pain and humiliation than to spend eternity without me...and you. Such love.
I've learned that struggles will never end this side of paradise. Though, thanks to God's gift of free-will, I can choose Him. I can choose to give up my struggles to Him and let Him just...BE GOD. Again, it's not always easy, but it is a conscience and deliberate choice when it is made. In my files, I've tucked away the outline which detailed "Christ In My Life" at 16 years old. It reminds me of how far I've come on my walk with Christ. More importantly, it reminds me of how far I've yet to go and I'm so grateful that God is not, and will never, be done with me.
In Christ's Love,
Christy
I felt compelled to write a testimony of my experiences in the hopes that I will always remember and recount them. Sometimes, it's scary to be bold and honest both with yourself and those you love. I felt led to share this publiclly and not keep it hidden in my journal. I pray that someone who might come to read this may be touched by Christ's love for them...and choose Him.
Thank you, Troy, for walking beside me as we discover for our lives more than we ever bargained. You are God's perfect choice for me. I love you and I thank our Lord for your presence, always.
1 comment:
I think it is so neat that you decided to type this out! Thank you for sharing it!!
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